Yoga, Natural Childbirth and Parenting

The birth of my 2 daughters were very different from each other. Both times I had planned for a completely natural childbirth. I was only successful the 2nd time.

My first time around I was very preoccupied with the details of how the birth would go. I think that’s pretty common. Especially for first timers. It was hard to even imagine that a new person was going to be there at the end of it all. So I spent little time thinking about that, and too much time planning, worrying and wondering how the delivery would go. In my own “natural” way I was still trying to control the whole thing. I figured if I read enough about natural childbirth, worked with the right mid-wife, and applied my yoga I would have an uncomplicated and even ecstatic delivery.

Not so much. I mean, all those things helped… tremendously. I was well informed about what was happening. That, and my yoga practice kept me calm. The yoga also gave me incredible stamina and clarity. But birthing is really less of a science and more of an art form. So predictability is not often in the equation. Long story short, I had trouble dilating and after about 10 hours of “unproductive” labor my less than patient mid-wife started insisting on interventions that eventually snowballed out of my control. After begging for more time I allowed her to break my water and another 10 hours later ended up with an epidural and a vacuum extraction.

When I saw my daughter’s incredibly beautiful face for the first time I cried with joy and relief. But I mourned the circumstances of her delivery, and what I felt was the violation of my body, until my second baby arrived 3 years later.

When I found out I was pregnant again I was so unsure of how to proceed. I had been somewhat let down by my faith in the natural process, but could not conceive of any other way. I finally chose to work with a different mid-wife group relatively late in my pregnancy. I thought they were wonderful, but honestly this time, I had fewer expectations.
Although the delivery was still very important to me, I had the awareness to concentrate on the amazing prize that would be part of our lives at the end. I had distractions like visions of how my first born would respond to a sibling, what the new personality would be like and what the expanded family dynamic would be. This allowed me to relax about the birth a bit more. Loosen the grip, so to speak. And out she flew!

With my second I labored comfortably for about 4 hours in the hot tub at the birthing center. My husband and my mid-wife helped me out when it was time to push, and 10 minutes later my wrinkled little daughter was looking up at me as her proud and relieved mother tried to calm her cries. I felt vindicated! It was as if I had come full circle.

Now, I’m not saying the circumstances of my deliveries were dictated by my 2 different attitudes. I think there were many elements at play. But I have to believe it played a part.

For me, the real lesson was about relinquishing some control. And that’s something I battle with everyday of my life. It’s something that MUST be practiced if you want to remain sane while parenting. And practice it is what I try to do. I am far from a master. Loosening the grip is the idea that works best for me. Even if you can’t let go, just loosen up a bit, back off a touch. In my life with my children, I find I experience a constant pulsation of holding on too tight and then remembering to let go. My hope is that the pulsation becomes more subtle, less extreme.

It’s when we’re fearful that we clutch and grasp and suffocate. The secret is to trust. Trust your body, trust your intuition. Trust in the universe. Because what’s the other choice really? Ultimately we just fool ourselves into thinking we have control. But we are simply one part of a mighty whole.

I still struggle with the fact that it took a perfect labor and delivery to allow me to heal from the less than perfect one. I wish I were evolved or enlightened enough to have been okay with whatever had happened on the day my first daughter was born. I really felt like “HA! I showed you!” after my second delivery. But who did I show? Myself, I guess.

I think yoga philosophy tries to teach us it’s okay to be proud of our efforts and it’s wonderful to work hard at something. But it’s when you become attached to the results of those efforts that you get into trouble. How can we truly know what results are best for us? It’s really so poignant that the experience of birthing is very much like a rehearsal for raising a child. You learn and you prepare and you work hard to do what you think is right. But ultimately you have to let go and allow your child and the universe to do what they are going to do.